I have been struggling lately with being disappointed. Not in others, not in myself, but in God, frequently questioning whether God can continue to be trusted when he doesn’t seem to come through. Yes, I admit that this is a highly judgmental and limited view of how God is acting in this world, but man… sometimes… I literally shake my head and wonder what the hell is going on and why on earth this should be happening.
For the record, I know that my ‘lot in life’ is light, limited and not all that lot-ful. But struggle is relative, and my experience of it is real, regardless of comparisons that could be made to much more horrific circumstances. This understanding only makes it harder to wonder and wrestle because it seems so superficial and meaningless. So, where does one go from there?
What I have found increasingly helpful is understanding that my expectations of God are very much tied to what I have been taught about him and not necessarily from God himself. I think that people and churches with good intentions ‘sold’ me an idea of God that was attractive in order to save my soul. Whether or not it was intended, I interpreted this ‘product’ as one that required a certain amount of belief and behavior in order for me to get what I want. Now, years later, seeing that life does not work out that way, I have to deconstruct and simultaneously reconstruct my God concept. The question I find myself asking the most is “What the fuck do I do now?”.
Well, all I can do is be present. To live fully in these questions. And anticipate a time when my spiritual life would not be described as ‘intense disappointment with God’ but rather a new knowledge of him.
Posted by Leah Good